Published: 23 June 2018
The start of week 5. Not a happy man. There doesn't seem to have been any progress at all on the incontinence front. In fact going backwards. At least this is the last day for the injections of the anticoagulants, perhaps the wounds can start healing properly now.
Pottered in the garden doing some light hoeing in the border. Joseph trying his hand at mowing with old mechanical mower. I was leaking badly and had retreated upstairs for a while to work on the computer when Joseph cam up to tell me he'd broken the mower. Went down to look. All that had happened was that the front roller had come loose. Unfortunately Joseph didn't recognise the signs or stop to investigate until the assembly fell apart. He had the nylon spacer/adjuster but not the bolt nor the spinner nut. Went on my hands and knees to search in the grass, found the spinner but not the bolt. It must be there somewhere, Joseph couldn't have gone over it with the mower without knowing.
Was pouring with pee. Couldn't hold onto anything. Asked Rahel to fetch me a pad, pants and trousers. She was utterly foul. Off on the usual tack of "I know what's going on, I know what your doing, you doing deliberately". Its so frustrating and makes me so angry that I feel trapped in this relationship. I splashed my way up to the bathroom and got changed.
This is awful. How can I do anything. In what way is life worth living if this can happen at any time in public place or god forbid someones home.
Dreadful day. Woke every hour during the night. Worked out that we were probably earching inf the wrong place. Joseph would have brought the plastic spacer up when the assembly finally fell apart and that would be when the bolt had finally fallen all the way out, So it must be at the end of the garden not halfway where i found the spinner. Searched again on hands and knees at the end of the garden feeling the ground rather thatn lookinng and found the cooach bolt in some uncut grass close to the retaining wall. Showed Joseph how to reassemble the front roller and adjust the cutting height. Very wet even sitting down.
Roy came round and chatted for a while, We sat in the back room, when I stood up to go to the bathroom after he left felt splashing down my leg, It had happened again. The bladder emptied itself with no sensation of it happening other than the pee running down my leg once the pad was full. Very tired, very fed up.
Went to Keyworth Health Centre. Tested for clearing bladder o.k. 35mil left after peeing. Given a box of pads. No clarity at all about my progress or lack of it. Adviso recommended decaffinated tea at bed time. Yuk. Also said that should stick to 3 pelvic floor exercises a day and the last one should be late evening rather than at night, Not sure how that makes sense. Also suggested should do one set lying down one sitting up and one standing up. It is true that it is much trickier finding and moving the right muscles when I'm standing up.
Wet again when we got home. Was a bit morose, didn't feel much like going to pottery. Wasn't sure I could stand the leaking. Rahel saying dumpb things again and at last minute decided anything was better than staying in the asylum all day.
Rahel drove me to pottery class. Got a bit damp again by end of class.
Has Green tea before bed.
Encouraged that another day has passed with out a major unexpected voiding of the bladder.
Thinking about why no urge to pee. Advisor had asked about 50ml pees, and suggested this was urge incontinence, but it's not. It's when I go to the bathroom to check and usually to change, the pad. I try to pee while I'm there especially if the pad is very wet to see if I've stored anythingat all.
Thinking about "urge incontinence and seems to me that the pain that builds up in the tip of my penis and gradually moves back towards my groin is what passes as an urge now, but I've never been caught short by an urge. Will this pain urge thing change. Wish there was someone to ask while I'm thinking about this.
Got a letter from the consultant indicating that there was a clear margin between the prostate with cancer cells and every thing else. The lymph node results were also negative. The results he describes as "extremely encouraging". I am pretty certain that this confirms no radiotherapy but he doesn't actually say so. I wish there was less room in this process for unnecessary anxiety.
Good night. Woke only once.
A good nights sleep makes such a difference. Decided to go for activity, sitting around all day trying to avoid leaking isn't working. Just loosing condition rapidly all over. My tits are now looking very sad and saggy. Must get some conditioning back and hope this helps with the incontinence.
Worked out in the back garden with Joseph. Two handed waist level throws with a basket ball for about 10 minutes to get some footwork and rotation going. Felt much better by the end.
Walked to see Mary. Had been ill again this morning. Quite tearful. Mary was tearfully happy that I should get nother 10 years yet. She talked about how Christopher was only 16 when she first had breast cancer. It was already late for her and she needed radiotherapy and chemo. Hadn't realised before that there was a clean surgical option for breast cancer. Mary never talked about this at the time. I just thought the chemo was normal. That was 20 years ago and she felt much as I do now i.e. that she had to survive and get the kids through to adulthood.
In evening walked to Bridgford Chippy to get Joseph's fish and chips. Had curried beef and shared a bottle of Puilley Fume.
Another good night last night. Went to bed quite late but didn't wake until 4
Went for a walk and jog around half the park. Stayed pretty dry even though leaking after emptying bowels as usual. Breakfast then worked on on computer for a couple of hours. Took half a Sidenafil. Changed pad again and walked to Melton Road butchers. Fairly dry. So pleased, stopped off for 15 minutes at the Test Match for half of ESB/.
Back to normal once home. Pad had smidge of blood staining. What has caused that I wonder./
Fell asleep watching the tennis.
Several changes before tea time then seemed to settle again. Forgot to start preparing food for tomorrow.
Best day yet for leakage.
Woke just twice during the night. Went for walk/jog in the park before breakfast. Could feel that I was leaking and squirting until I started to jog, then it seemed to stop abruptly. Was able to jog a little further this time. Testicles felt like they were trying to tear away from my groin with every step. Did a second half length circuit mainly walking. When I went to change the pad there was a tiny smidge of blood again. Is this the jogging? Is something tearing or am I just clearing some old debris. I think I'll call the quack on Monday and see what he thinks.
Prepared several tapas type dishes for Mick and Sue this afternoon. Deviled kidneys in sherry (well home made pear (I think) wine, crispy beef strips with a sticky sauce. Hot chicken and garlic sausage. Also racked the wine that been waiting for about 8 or 9 months. Some has gone at bit acetone so added sugar. A second fermentation usually clears acetone I find. Had to change pad twice. Not a drop left to pee, everything must have drained into the pad. By midday, very very tired. Bit sad not to see my sister today.
After lunch worked out again with Joseph and the basket ball. This time for 15 minutes. Got very wet. Couldn't stop leaking standing up. Sitting down seem slowere but bladder still empty when changing the pad which I had to do 2 or 3 times.
Really good evening with Mick and Sue. They liked the food and were clearly relaxed and enjoying themselves. We drank the bottle that they brough then Rahel went out to one stop and got a bottle of Chablis and a bottle of Pouilley Fume. Rahel did a first rate job of crisping up some white while I barked at her for carrying out a pointless exercise. I was wrong everyone like the whitebait and we started again. Open an 8 year old red. In the end I was tired an flagging so Mick left shortly before nine. Watched Poldark with Rahel.
By bedtime leaking appeared to have more or less stopped but still nothing in my bladder is this something to do with the alchohol? Was a similiar effect with the gin and tonnic a week or so ago.. Bit demoralised. The biggest downside to the day was was Rahel throwing away the Lotus car parts from the kitchen and both Italian coffee pots. I don't know why she does these things. There is nothing wrong with the coffee pots in fact it's only 3 or 4 months since I got new seals and filters for them, and the car parts are irraplacable. Retrieved everything from the bin.